ryan kam

and some swirls.

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Welcome to your life, enjoy the ride
A voice from afar you can hear it loud
In a dead sleep but you can see the ceiling
And something about this voice seemed so appealing
Now you’re walking towards the door and down the stairs
Fresh paint on the carpet, you don’t remember how it got there
The worlds like an iceberg, cold as the gaze in your eyes
Breathing comes hard, and you keep hearing these outside lies
And I run right to you, you’ve waken up
A memory of nothing, you’ve lost yourself
Walk with me and I’ll tell you your story
Everyday you’ll wake up and you’ll remember the old me
There’s for sale signs all down this street
Nobody can afford to have a family
The views are nice, these homes are big
We can’t have them, we’ll let the crooks win
A pile of double shifts and public transportation
You sold your car and locked your life away for inspiration
Just a spill of a jigsaw, missing pieces falling through the vents
They’re lost for good, the heat won’t bring them back in the end
One of these days, that’s always in your head, one of these days
Yes one of these days you’ll pack away all your things and move away
There’s been too many days, none of them worth a thing
Every shower you’ll cry, and every bath you’ll wish to sink
To the bottom of the ocean where nobody can find you
And somewhere in the seaweed and lost minds i’ll be sinking too
Yeah I’ll be sinking too.

no sleep till brooklyn

I gave myself sleep problems and now they are here to haunt me when I actually desire a good nights rest and feel that it’s importance is much greater than that of “doing better things than sleeping.” Or it could be the constant boredom of the people surrounding me filling their need for attention through me and not understanding the concept of a tired person + sleep. Clearly that would bring the cranky out, so why would one continue to talk into an ear that so wishes to rather be dead than listen to your voice talk of useless ideas. And now I sit here, comparing prices on road bikes and trying to decide between a G1 and BlackBerry, completely drained from a day of activity, and yet the sleep I was once loathing in a few hours ago was one of the most enjoyable of ever, I can’t put my mind back into such state. Awake but not alert, and I might just explode.

Note to self #1

Never forget what is around you in case you decide to notice it for the first time and spend far too much time trying to figure out how it got there.

day by way of days

I’ll wake up to the same thoughts I had last night
And I’ll say the same words in my head, over again
Nothing seems to change, but nothing seems the same
Like words in a book you forget to read
Or scenes in a movie you forgot to see
The many beds you’ve slept in, they weren’t the same
But the many beds you’ve slept in, that won’t change
I swear there’s something in between these lines
I can’t read them, oh but I wish I could see
What I’m missing, what I’m missing out on
I make no promises, I make no mistakes
I’m just another part of my own game
And maybe one day I’ll figure this all out
What anything is, and what devotion is about
But I’ll skip through what I don’t need
Until it simply turns to nothing
And I’ll start over again, I’ll start right at the end

a dream

i hardly dream. i’m lucky to have one dream per month. this was this months dream:

i was sitting on a boat full of people. it wasn’t a large ship, it wasn’t a small fishing boat. it seemed to just be a strange, long, and simple boat. i’m flipping through a magazine when josh head (of emery) and a woman (who ends up being me in 10 years) walk by, stop, and talk to me. i appear to know them very well, and the woman (future me) is acting as if she hasn’t seen me in years and asks me how “the family” is doing. josh and the woman go to the back of the boat and sit down and i go back to my magazine. i decide to go for a walk, so i get off the boat, and i’m suddenly on a sidewalk at a beach that is very similar to alki beach in seattle. i am walking alongside the beach when i realize i forgot my sunglasses and i really need them. so i walk back and i’m suddenly back on the boat in the middle of the ocean. i sit down and look for my sunglasses in my purse. an old man next to me starts talking to me… “did you hear of the whirlpool in the atlantic? shit’s crazy, pretty soon it will all be gone.” and i kind of laugh, then sigh and nod my head. although this is a dream, i distinctively remember thinking to myself that the world is ending and pretty soon everything will be gone and we will all be dead. i somehow was completely relaxed with it, and everybody on that boat knew the world was ending. everyone seemed very content, we all knew the end was near and we were not freaking out. at the same time, i felt as if i was a little bit awake, and the “awake” jessie was thinking this can’t be real, and me, the awake me, was scared. almost as if part of my brain was awake and the other part was in the dream. and my brain was confused in general. anyway, i’m nodding my head and still searching for the shades when suddenly the boat starts spinning. it was a whirlpool, taking us down. i could see the sky spinning and in my head i was thinking two things. 1) i am going to die now, i am going to die, oh my God, this is death. and 2) this can’t be real, what is going on, why am i not waking up. then the sky turned completely red and i saw a bright flash of light. after the flash i saw a blue sky and white clouds. my body then fell backwards into a cloud, and i could feel the cloud, i could feel myself fall back into the cloud and float. then everything turned to black. i was so sure i was dead, it felt like death. i thought i was in heaven, but then when everything turned black, my brain was still functioning. i was still thinking and having thoughts. i thought “is this heaven? this is death, where is God? and… where is william, i want to see william.” and i knew i wasn’t dead, because i was still thinking. so i tried to open my eyes, but couldn’t. and i kept thinking “this is a dream, this is not what death is like, you’re still alive, open your eyes” and i opened my eyes. i opened them super wide and saw my blanket and saw my room, and thanked God that it was a dream, and thanked God for letting me have such a dream.

even though i died in my dream, i wouldn’t consider it a nightmare. it wasn’t scary, it just felt weird. and so real. and the fact that i woke myself up just by opening my eyes was amazing.

that’s my dream.

look alive

Act lively, hurry up, as in Look alive! This job has to be finished today. This phrase, often used as an imperative, today is more common in Britain than in America. [Mid-1800s]

progress

been picking through songs i’ve written, choosing certain lyrics, putting others together with more others. chosen an ep name, it came to me, i said it would be self-titled, but something just… appeared, or so. wrote a couple songs reflecting name tonight/this morning. should sound ok i hope. found new direction for everything. today is a miracle. i am thankful for my life, and my life is thankful for i. god is mending my heart day by day. this is progress.

this was a loss

it’s hard to say when you’ve truly “lost” someone. everybody dies, i’m well aware of this. but it’s not so easy to believe when they die before you do. and at a time so unexpected and undeserved. on january 2nd, my best friend william somtoa was hit by a drunk driver. a few days later, william passed away at harborview after being taken off life support. it’s been a month now since his death and things some how haven’t gotten better nor have they gotten worse. i find myself laying awake throughout the night doing nothing but listening to music and thinking about william and my own life in general. often stumbling upon pictures of william and breaking down. this is every day, for the last 31 days. for hours at a time. they said it would get easier with time. well that isn’t happening. i knew from the start this was something that would be impossible to “move on” from. and it’s true, it’s not something you can move on from. william was such a great friend, i have so many memories of us lodged in my head, all of which i’ve repeated numerous times throughout the month. he was the last person to deserve to die at such a young age. i wish he was here right now so bad, i miss him so much. he was one of a kind, and i say that confidently. he was very well the most amazing person to ever be born. i’m so grateful for the time we shared here on earth, and i hope to see him soon. william was truly a loss from our lives, but knowing him was the greatest gain any of us will have ever received.

there are no rules

in this world i’ve created,
time is told by sound.
sight is seen by imagination.
and touch is felt by our hearts.
the mornings filled with birds
standing on these old trees
so thick with moss, an open window
for the scent to slide right in
these songbirds they sing me to sleep
to my rest from the nights skies
when the stars were bright, before the sun
came to say goodnight
this world was far from backwards
there’s never such use for backwards
that’s when it all crumbles
into ruins, and you’ve lost your mind
thinking you’re never right
but you’re never wrong.
so open your eyes, and
your mind will take control.
oh the endless beauty
the remarkable future
and the neverending present.
the stars you’ve once seen,
your bestfriends with their tales
they’ll twinkle their eyes and
give you a smile.
the grass stays green,
and the sky stays black.
what a mural to paint
on an everlasting canvas.
so open your eyes, and
your heart will take control.
oh how your heart,
how your heart,
can open your eyes.